Some light?

It took a long time till I find something to write, and this blog is getting embarrassing more and more. and actually some individuals are actually reading this.

Well. all I want say is the last two days were good days. achievements tend to happen finally. the future seem to get a little better a little bit than I thought.

On the other hand. trying to get more into the subjects I have to study. things are getting more difficult. there are many things I'm forced to do in this college. free time will be a luxury that won't be available that much to me. Lucky me.

Fuck that all. let's continue listening to STEINS;GATE: Symphonic Reunion.

Had an intention for writing in the previous posts about how I feel a little self-confident, especially lately. Somehow I forgot. Somehow I got too depressed while writing in this blog today.

This blog is cursed, somehow :'D

the name "Absurdity" itself is depressing, but I'm not changing it.

Hello, our game designer

I'm facing a little bit of a problem. this Monday I'll be in a meeting with some sort of a team to figure out what would be the game we'll work on. I'll be with them as a game designer. and they expect me to help them to make some good game with powerful puzzles and game mechanics and some other badass things.

the problem is that I thought a month ago that I'll collect enough knowledge about game design that would help me in this project. the truth is it's been a while since the last time I've got into the field.

And my knowledge of game design is all from youtube videos. I've learned a good portion of game design. and maybe more than good. but I still see all of what I learned as some basic stuff - I see everything I know as some basics, I don't have faith of what I know - I'm afraid that I might come to a point when I feel that what I've learned is not enough at all. this fear will haunt me whatever how I've got deep in this and learned more advanced concepts.

And I didn't put my knowledge into practice till now. I had the time to make some small games. but I've got involved in other things. and my "3olo2eyya" has made the rest of the job, as usual.

I already searched for advanced courses. all what I found wasn't for free. for some reason I didn't thing of searching for a book about game design. and I already have a bloody busy week starting from today. I'm in a trouble.

I can't fail at anything. I know I'm a teenager. I'm still trying to figure out what my future whould look like. But I can't fail. I don't have that luxury.

Of Making Music

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uOxOgm5jQ4Since I became interested in soundtracks and I became a little obsessed about understanding music. at first it with related with my love for movies. I liked the idea that a movie would have a musical cue that's special and unique, when you hear it you'd know what's this music and if it was in a famous movie. the famous example I used to mention many years ago is the track "He's a pirate" from "Pirates of the Caribbean"

I think I know a little more about music. but what I guess I really have is a very good taste for music. I like to analyze the rhythm and the tune.I love how many instruments come together to make a bombastic and complex music, and at the same time how the note written for every instrument can be unique on its own way, how can every instrument influence a specific feeling or atmosphere.

But what I'm a little obsessed with is the spreading of metal and techno music. and how most of the music we hear now is similar to each other. everyone now finds it easier to use repetitive patterns or loops in music. It makes a music that's good to the ear. but it's not creative at all.

what about writing a tune that doesn't have any repetition? what about introducing a tune that's unique to the world and there wasn't anything like it before?

maybe that's a part of why I love Hans Zimmer's music, even if he's using some specific methods in making his music - and that doesn't sound very creative - but he can combine electronic music and metal - those I enjoy very much after all - and orchestral music and instruments, using a style of writing which is similar a little bit to classical music. but still using repetitive patterns many times. but he likes to make them not very repetitive, it's broken every once in a while.

listen very carefully to this:

Can you feel every instrument that interrupts the repetition was existent int this track?

Really I can't talk enough about what I focus on when I'm listening to music. and my writing style can't express what I want.

But still. what I love about classical music is the huge amount of creativity you hear. maybe it's not enjoyable enough. but very creative. very complicated. these musicians experimented a lot to give us this unique thing they made.

Just watch this ... it's not about the music itself, it's complicated ... you can't write something from you mind with this creativity and complexity:

Do you know that I'm facing a problem with understanding the difference between music composer and producer ... what' the conductor? is there a big difference between the movie score and movie soundtrack? and I'm not talking about the albums released for the music and the songs in a movie.

Whatever, I just want to say that I love listening to music and enjoying it and analyzing it to enjoy every detail. I like to make music too. I know I won't be a great musician and I don't to be. But I want to get out of the limits facing me. and the software I'm using is not helping me enough.

Of Social Awkwardness

Hi!

For now I'll talk about something a little strange, which is my social behavior among some specific people or strangers. because I think I really act in a strange way lately, especially in the college.

Maybe because this academic year I have to study the same stuff but with new people. I'll have to deal with people I really didn't need to be that close to before. I'll need to have new friends. And maybe if you're following this blog you'd know that this year is more difficult to me for some reasons. And I'm trying to be more socially experienced. But as a result for all of that and other things I'll explain sooner, I'm being put in many socially awkward situations.

For an example, it happened many times that I become very silent when I'm among people, with the existence of some who I don't know much. or when I talk to a person who I used to think of as a close friend - and maybe he thinks the same of me - I really talk in a strange way and look like losing interest in this conversation and maybe losing interest in the person himself. I act like an outcast. maybe leave a conversation suddenly. or maybe leave some gathering without saying goodbye or doing anything to attract their attention of my existence or what I'm doing.

The thing is I'm feeling lately that I really don't matter to many people.I feel they're somehow better than me and more successful and smarter.I feel like I don't belong to the life they live. especially with this big amount of student's from first and second year who seem really into problem-solving and ACM. I feel very alien in this environment. even away from the ACM thing and away from the friends I knew in the college. I'm having new friends lately those I like and I love being with them. But still feeling alien when I'm with them. the miserable childhood I had is haunting me again.

When I'm introduced to a new person, I feel like I don't know how to act, eve sometimes I feel like I don't know how to say "Hi!".
Someone asked me once if I shake hands with girls, For in our country some religious people or some extremists have problems with men shaking hands with women "literally". I answered him that I do. and I really don't have a problem with that. but try to imagine how I look or how I act when I'm introduced to a new girl. and the religious way I was raised is still annoying me a little bit. even if I'm really that free-minded now.

My poor style of writing is here again, let's try to finish this.

Well, I have a confession to make, I have a crush, it's some non-reasonable and emotional thing. and for love is a non-reasonable and emotional and blind thing. I really think I'm not prepared for such a thing now. I'm not that settled yet, my flaws are haunting me. plus, there are other reasons for why I didn't tell her till now. some of these reasons are about her. This not the time for these infatuations for me. I know it's a psychological need I can't control. even though, I hate the timing. I can't deal with it. And it's making me feel more socially awkward.

away from these infatuations. my attempt to gain more social experience is at stake because of the feeling of alienation. plus my failed attempts to start a project or a career and keep it.

This is going to be a lovely year :/

I'll try to reduce the amount of posts about my failures. and I'll try to start to talk about other things.

Welcome Back

Hello, welcome back :D

I'll try to not to talk too much this time.

Does anyone remember my first post? when I said I started many projects and many things to practice in a permanent way to be a better person and to have a more healthy life with fewer psychological problems?

Well, I've failed in keeping up with most of these things. I've failed in sustaining many activities and things I was trying to develop myself in. Even stuff related to programming and computer science. I really failed.

most of the obstacles I faced were an outcome of my procrastination, I admit it. But there are other things holded me back. As always, Murphy's law is doing its thing with me.

For example, I watched a lot of tutorials about directing and filmmaking and cinematography, and how to control your shot and the angle to make your shot tell the story you want to present. I even learned about the basics of how to deal with a digital camera and how to control the lighting and the focus and the exposure and details, and I've learned some of the basics about how to deal with the set you're using and some basic things about sound editing.

I had from a long time an intention long time ago to start to make a short film. I think I'm a good writer (and started some projects on that), and I like film directing. and I have a friend who's excellent with the technical stuff about the cameras and how to deal with its complicated details, he has a professional camera, and he knows how to deal with the set and lighting, He's also a very good photographer and currently works in a photography studio. He would work with me on my directing projects.

But I guess God doesn't want me to start to practice my knowledge of direction and cinematography and enhance them. We can't use this studio. My friend is gonna leave his work there for some issues with the owners. and probably I can't use the camera for more than a year.

FUCK THIS.

Well. I started other things. I hope I'd do something good eventually. I hope so.

Let's go back into my cave.